Undead and Unreturnable Page 5

  "Oh, okay. Remember what I said, Betsy. "

  "I will, Nick. Thank you again for stopping by. "

  "Jess, walk me out?"

  She looked startled but gamely jumped to her feet. "Sure. You can check the driveway for us. "

  "Already did," he said, smiling at me, "on my way in. " Chapter 12

 

  I had my ear jammed so tightly against the door between the parlor and the hall, I probably had splinters in my cochlea. (It was weird how things like my tenth-grade biology report on the inner ear stayed with me for, like, ever. )

  "Thanks again for coming over," Jessica said, sounding resigned. I figure I knew why. Nick was about to hit her up for a contribution to the Policeman's Ball, or whatever. I felt bad-Nick's devotion to me was a little on the obvious side-but what could I do? What could she do?

  "I was really glad to see you were up this late, too," Nick said. "I've been meaning to talk to you for a couple of weeks, but things-you know. Work. "

  "Sure," Jess said. "What can I do for you?"

  "Well, the captain mentioned he saw you at the new Walker exhibit, and I know you're into that stuff. I don't know if you heard, but-you probably heard-there's a new Matthew Barney exhibit opening this weekend, and I was wondering if you'd want to go.

  That'd be really mmm hmmm hmmm bmmm.

  "Quite rude," Sinclair commented.

  "Shhhh!"

  "Bmmm mmm hmmm mmm?" Shit! They were walking through the house. There were about eight doors between me and the front door.

  "Darling, whatever it is, she'll tell you about it the second she returns. "

  "Yeah, yeah. " I turned. Sinclair was in my personal bubble, as usual, looking amused, also as usual. "I was just curious, that's all. "

  "Nosy. "

  "Probing," I insisted. "Like a reporter. "

  He put his hands on my shoulders and picked me up for a smooch. My feet were dangling a good six inches off the floor as I kissed him back, more a distracted peck because I was wondering what the other two were talking about. He nuzzled into the base of my throat but didn't bite, which is about as loving a gesture a vampire can make.

  I guess that sounds romantic and all, and it kind of was, but it was hard to just, you know, dangle there. So I oomphed and umphed and climbed him until my ankles were crossed behind his back and my arms were looped around his neck.

  "How delightful," he said. "This is bringing something more interesting than current events to mind. "

  "Perv. Can you believe Nick just stopping by like that?"

  Sinclair's mouth went thin. "Yes. "

  "Wasn't that nice?"

  "Yes. Nice. "

  "Oh, take it easy. Threatened much? Dude, take a break, go look in the mirror, and then relax, okay?"

  "I didn't win you only to have you be distracted by some living meat with a shiny badge. "

  I gaped at him. Okay, I knew Sinclair generally felt vampires were superior to regular guys, but. . . living meat with a shiny badge?

  "You didn't exactly win me," was the best I could come up with. "I'm not a Lotto ticket. "

  At my expression, he added, "You know you're attracted to shiny things. If you were a raven, you'd snatch that badge and go put it in your nest. "

  "Wh-uh-" Okay. One thing at a time. "Okay, listen, the reason I was trying to hear is, I just-Jessica said the dumbest thing on the way here. How sometimes she felt invisible next to me. "

  "Who said what?"

  "Very funny. Don't you think that's dumb? I thought that was dumb. "

  "Dumb," he agreed.

  I tried to kick him, but my feet were, of course, behind him. "This is serious! A) it's so not true, and b) it's terrible that she thinks that. But I think I know why she's got such a silly idea in her head. "

  "Because you're the eternally young, beautiful vampire queen no man can resist?"

  "No!" Aw. But no. "She hasn't gone on a date in forever; she hasn't had a steady boyfriend since-jeez, when did she break up with dave?"

  "Elizabeth. "

  I rested my chin on his shoulder and thought. "Was it before or after my dad threw the Ant the anniversary party at Windows? Because he-dave-came with her for that, but was that their 'we really can just be friends' date? Or were they really still living together then?"

  "dave?"

  "Yeah, after they broke up we decided he didn't deserve to have a capital letter in his name. Anyway, I need to fix her up. Trouble is, I'm running around with gay guys and vampires. "

  "That is a problem. "

  "Ha! So you agree vampires make rotten dates. "

  "That is a subject for another time. However, I think this could be very, very good for us. "

  "What?" I felt his forehead. "Are you all right? Because it almost seems like you're not following this at all. "

  "So we, and by we I do mean you, dearest, need to be supportive. "

  "What?"

  I heard rapidly approaching footsteps, and Sinclair set me down. So things looked relatively innocent when Jessica burst into the room and yelled, "Nick asked me out!"

  Then, the scowl. "I know you bums were talking about me. " Chapter 13

 

  I recovered quickly. Which is to say, I stammered and mumbled and Sinclair had to totally help me out.

  "Can you believe it?" she said gleefully.

  "Of course he did, dear. Frankly, I'm surprised there hasn't been a stampede. You are a worthy prize for any man. "

  She beamed. "Aw, Eric. Let's gloss over how incredibly creepy that is and instead talk about the fact that I have a date. "

  "I'm surprised that you're surprised," he said.

  "If they're rich, they don't try," she explained, "and if they aren't, they're freaked out because I'm rich. That's oversimplifying it, but. . . "

  "I know several men who would leap at the chance to see you in a. . . social capacity," Sinclair said. "Really, dear, what are"-another tiny hesitation-"friends for? You should have mentioned this long ago. "

  "Well, I dunno. It's hard to set up a friend with a friend. . . it's so awkward if it goes badly. "

  "Wait a minute!" I cried. "Eric Sinclair! You knew when she came back in the room that-you could hear their whole conversation?"

  "This is new?" Jess asked. "You guys all have ears like bobcats. Fucking creepy, is what it is. "

  "You could have a conversation with me, make out a little, and listen in on them, but you can't go meet the florist because you've got a conference call in Paris at the same time?"

  "I think the thing to focus on," Sinclair said, "is what Jessica will wear to the opening. "

  She was actually jumping from one foot to another. I hadn't seen her so excited since she got her tax bill down to six figures that one time. "I was thinking my black Donna Karan. "

  "No, no. First, every woman there will be wearing the de rigueur little black dress. "

  "Good point," I admitted, momentarily distracted.

  "Number two, you have wonderful coloring that you simply must play up. "

  Jess was hanging on his every word. "Really, Eric?"

  "Dear, you've got the cheekbones of an Egyptian queen. You're a Tiger Lily. You have to, and shall, stand out among the drab little Minnesota daisies. "

  "Hello!" said one of the daisies.

  They ignored me. "Eric, that is so nice. "

  "I'm not nice, dear. Now. Back to the matter at hand. " He began to pace. I began to wonder why I'd gotten out of bed that night. "You could get away with, say, the orange Tracey Reese. "

  "Isn't that one backless? You think that'd be okay for the Walker?"

  "The Kay Unger poppy print, then," he suggested.

  "I must say, Sinclair, you are not afraid of color," I commented, trying to affect a Sinclair tone and failing. "Isn't that the one with the green flowers all over it? Head-sized flowers?"

  "Not every woman can wear it," he admitted. br />
  "It cost a friggin' fortune," Jess said, watching him prowl back and forth like a big panther, "so I'd better wear it again. "

  "We must walk a careful line," Sinclair lectured, "between dressing appropriately for your role, but not making Detective Berry feel out of place or inferior. Which, given the disparity in your incomes, will be difficult at best. "

  I reeled. There were so many things wrong with that statement I hardly knew where to start with the bitching.

  "So dress well, but not rich," Jess said, oblivious to the massive wrongness we were in the middle of.

  "Exactly. "

  "Excuse me," I interrupted. "Sinclair, I haven't forgotten about the florist/eavesdropping thing. And you're weirdly interested in Jessica's date, which I've got problems with on about nine different levels. And Jess, I have to say-" What? What the hell was I going to say?

  I can't believe Nick asked you out. For someone who was supposedly into me, he sure got over me pretty damned quick. How could you agree to go out with him when you were sure he liked me? I tried to find a nice way to sum up my weirded-outness in one sentence. It was tough work, being an honest friend. "-I haven't seen you this, uh, excited in a long time. "

  "I haven't dated since way before you died. " She hugged herself and spun in a small circle. "And he's sooooo cute!"

  "Exceedingly cute," Sinclair encouraged. "Quite very much cute. "

  I figured it out right then. Sinclair never did anything without about nine secret agendas. He wanted a cop on the string. Awfully handy. Of course, it was only a first date, but if things went well. . .

  "I thought you didn't go out with white guys," I pointed out. It was a straw, sure, but I was desperate to clutch at anything.

  "I thought you said that was bigoted, asshole-esque, and twentieth-century. "

  "Oh, you're going to start listening to me now?" I grumbled. "I'm not saying I wasn't right, but your timing's a little weird. "

  "Now that that's settled, we have to decide on the appropriate post-gallery activity. "

  "That's not all we've got to decide on," I muttered and was-surprise-ignored.

  "Because Detective Berry did the asking, I think we can assume he will want to treat you to whatever diversion you select. "

  "Dude. You are getting way overinvolved in this. Do you obsessively plan our dates? Not that we've ever actually been on a date. . . "

  "Shut up, Betsy. For just this one time, it's about me. Go on, Eric. "

  "So it must be something you both like, that will not be terribly expensive, and that will encourage him to see you again in a social capacity, but not be too intimidating or force a false sense of intimacy. "

  I hitched up an imaginary belt. "That's a tall order, sheriff. "

  "Dinner anywhere decent is out. So is coming back here for a drink; this house definitely sends a message. Your idea of fast food is Red Lobster, so that lets out activities that are, ah, middle class. Which means. . . "

  Jess waited. I waited. What the hell, I was curious. He could write a book. Nobody was good at dating. Everybody liked advice about it.

  "Coffee and dessert at Nikola's," he decided after a moment's thought. "The coffee is first-rate, the food is excellent, it won't be terribly expensive if you don't eat a full meal, and the biscotti is homemade. "

  "Oooooooh. Sinclair, you are it. "

  "Yes," he replied smugly.

  "I am so scared right now," I said. Chapter 14

 

  Before I could take Sinclair aside and ream him out for. . . well, everything, and before I could take Jess aside and get the real scoop, the doorbell rang.

  "Jessica, I would very much like to continue this conversation," he said, "but I must ask you to excuse us. "

  "Oooooh," she replied. "Vampire biz, huh?" The evening must be one shock after another, because I hadn't heard this many ooooohs in. . . ever. "Who is it?"

  "No one," he said calmly, "I wish you to meet. " He inclined his head toward the door to the stairs. "If you please. "

  I didn't know what to say, and I could tell Jessica didn't, either. After an awkward couple of seconds, she shrugged and trotted out.

  "Scream at me for that," he said, walking toward the front door, "later. "

  I was sort of terrified to see who it was, and as usual, my imagination ran away from me, because it was a perfectly nice-looking (beautiful, really) older woman. She looked like a librarian in her lilac blouse, gray skirt, sensible panty hose, and black pumps. They were leather and unscuffed.

  She herself looked to be in her fifties, with black hair streaked with silver, and a handful of laugh lines in the corner of both eyes.

  Her eyes.

  There was something weird about her eyes. Sinclair had eyes like that, sometimes. When he was pissed at what was going on (read: other vampires trying to kill me), his eyes went like that. They were so black you couldn't see into them, like those sunglasses state troopers wear. You looked in and-it's hard to explain-you only saw yourself. Most times I could see his softer side, his love and worry for me, his amusement, the good stuff. And the times I couldn't see those things, I usually had my hands too full to worry about it.

  I stared at her, a little scared, and she bowed and said something in (I think) rapid French.

  Sinclair gave her a smile that looked 85 percent real. "Good evening, Marjorie. "

  "Your Majesties. "

  "It's good to see you again. "

  "And you, Sir. "

  Sinclair bent and kissed her hand, European style, but before anybody could kiss mine, I stuck it out to be shook. She did, smiling at me, and I almost dropped her hand. She was cold, which I expected, and I couldn't see anything in her eyes but me, which I did not.

  An old one, I decided. A vampire who has seen absolutely everything-everything. And doesn't give a ripe shit anymore. About anything. I pitied them as much as I feared them. And I felt pretty sorry for them.

  "It's nice to meet you," I lied.

  She inclined her head. "Majesty. We have met before. "

  "No, we haven't. " I'd never have forgotten those eyes. Not even Nostro had eyes like those. No, we hadn't met. And after today, I hoped we never would again.

  "I was in a group that came to pay tribute after Nostro's, ah, accident on the grounds. Perhaps you didn't notice me. "

  "No, definitely not. " Then, because it's possible she was disappointed (but who could tell? she was a damn robot), I added, "Sorry if I missed you in the crowd. "

  "Quite all right, my queen. Of late you had. . . a full agenda. "

  I laughed unwittingly. The robot had been programmed to make amusing observations! "That's one way of putting it. "

  "Something to drink? We have a Chateau Leoville Poyferre you might like. "

  We did?

  "My king, that is as tempting an offer as I've received all year, but I must return to my duties. I only came by to beg the queen a favor. "

  She did? At least she was speaking English.

  "Well," I said, "come on in. "

  "Thank you, my queen. "

  To save time, we took the parlor right next to the front hall, and ole Marjie got right to it.

  "As you know, I am head of the library downtown. "

  She was a librarian! I pretended like I knew, and nodded.

  "I am starting a newsletter for the vampire community. "

  "You are?"

  "It was your idea, my queen. 'Fer cryin' out loud, why don't you guys get a newsletter or something, I mean, cripes. '"

  Sinclair grinned. "It has the ring of authenticity. "

  "When did I say that?"

  "On the occasion of our first meeting, which you do not remember. "

  "Well, excuse me, I might have had a few things on my mind that day! If you don't come right up and introduce yourself, don't bitch about me not remembering you!"

  "I apologize again," Marjorie said tonelessly,
"for all my shortcomings. "

  "And you're stealing lines from Gone With the Wind!"

  At last, the robot loosened up a little. She even smiled a little. "You have seen the movie?"

  "Only about eight thousand times. It's not in the book, but it's a great scene. . . the one where Rhett almost gets called out, but he won't fight because he knows he can totally kick everybody's ass, and killing Charles Hamilton would be annoying and a big waste, so he just bows and leaves. "

  "I think that touches on a rather large theme of the book and the movie," Marjorie said thoughtfully, crossing her ankles like a lady. "Because we see Rhett's bad side frequently, but usually we only see his good side in relation to Scarlett. "

  "Yeah, like when he brought her the hat after the blockades tightened, and stole a horse for her so she could get out of town and see her mom. Who was dead. But Scarlett didn't know that. "

  Marjie was smiling patiently through my excited interruption. "But here, he has a chance to shoot a man from his own hated planter class, in a way that is societally acceptable, and instead, he-"

  "Vamooses to the library, which is where he meets Scarlett and all that other stuff happens. "

  "Love. Death. War. " She sighed. "Those were the days. "

  I ignored the uber-creepiness of the psycho librarian and went on in the same, uh, vein. "You know, I never thought of it like that! That from the very beginning, he was redeemable. "

  Marjorie shrugged. "I have been reading that book since the year it was published, and every time, I find something new. Extraordinary!"

  Well, shit! Anybody who liked GWtW couldn't be that bad. Right? Right. "Listen, I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I'm terrible with names and faces, and I'm sorry I didn't remember you. "

  "That's quite all right, my queen," she said, and this time it seemed like she meant it. "As I am here to ask a favor, I'm hardly in a position to sulk. "

  "Yeah, well. Never stopped me. What's up?"

  "Well, as I mentioned earlier, I'm the local librarian. "

  Local library? As in, there was more than one? "Sure, sure. I remember. "

  Sinclair shot me a look, which I pretended not to see. He hadn't said a word for a couple minutes, but he seemed relieved we weren't going to scratch each other's eyes out.

  "And as I said, I will be starting a newsletter. It will be online and only viewable to vampires who have the appropriate passwords, etcetera. "

  "You're not worried about someone hacking into it?"