Fish Out of Water Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements

  Epigraph

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-one

  Twenty-two

  Twenty-three

  Twenty-four

  Twenty-five

  Twenty-six

  Twenty-seven

  Twenty-eight

  Twenty-nine

  Thirty

  Thirty-one

  Thirty-two

  Thirty-three

  Thirty-four

  Thirty-five

  Thirty-six

  Thirty-seven

  Thirty-eight

  Thirty-nine

  Forty

  Forty-one

  Forty-two

  Forty-three

  Forty-four

  Forty-five

  Forty-six

  Forty-seven

  Epilogue

  Teaser chapter

  Praise for Swimming Without a Net

  “An engaging undersea adventure . . . Swimming Without a Net seizes your attention from the very first page. Hang on for a fun-filled ride . . . Swimming Without a Net demonstrates why Davidson is considered one of today’s premier paranormal authors. I urge everyone to pick up a copy of this entertaining book at your earliest opportunity. This is a not-to-be-missed, laugh-out-loud adventure. Believe me, you will love this story!”—Romance Junkies

  “Davidson, the queen of paranormal comedy, has dished up another wickedly funny romp in this follow-up to Sleeping with the Fishes.”—Booklist

  “An entertaining and charming read . . . fast-paced, enjoyable, and at times downright hilarious.”—Romance Reviews Today

  “A story that will entertain, delight, and enlighten fans of mermaid Fred . . . Fans of Ms. Davidson, rejoice—Fred is back and as sassy as ever!”—Fresh Fiction

  “Another wacky, amusing romp from MaryJanice Davidson, the queen of this subgenre. The story line is fast-paced but loaded with humor.”—Midwest Book Review

  “Wonderful . . . Fred is just as fierce and funny as before . . . Davidson makes Fred and her underwater world seem so natural and real, this is a book you can easily enjoy.”

  —Rambles.net

  “This wildly offbeat series has lots of laughs as well as biting social commentary.”—Romantic Times

  Praise for

  Sleeping with the Fishes

  “Ms. Davidson has created another laugh-out-loud, unique paranormal romance series that is bound to take off . . . Sleeping with the Fishes has the unique Davidson comic flair that readers have come to love . . . Among the many paranormal romances on the bookshelves, Sleeping with the Fishes is a ‘school’ apart!”—The Romance Readers Connection

  “A zany, amusing fantasy as MaryJanice Davidson provides her trademark wacky, fun tale of the tail . . . Readers will enjoy this delightful, whimsical story.”—The Best Reviews

  “Davidson certainly knows how to capture the reader’s attention . . . a hilarious romp with a mermaid, a merman, and a human with a Ph.D. that will have you rolling on the floor in laughter . . . funny with a side of danger all rolled into one neat little package.”—Romance Reviews Today

  “Known for her quirky sense of humor, MaryJanice Davidson launches what promises to be a smashing series with Sleeping with the Fishes. This book brought back the magic of first reading something new by this talented author. Her sense of humor and imagination know no bounds . . . pure delight to read from start to finish.”—A Romance Review

  “Davidson breathes new life into the frequently tired paranormal romance genre with this refreshingly witty entry featuring a decidedly bad-tempered half-mermaid named Fred . . . It will be interesting to see where Davidson goes with this new series.”—Monsters and Critics

  “Ms. Davidson is royalty in the ranks of paranormal comedy writers. Somehow, she manages to keep up a rapid-fire round of jokes without ever being too silly or skimping on characterization. It will be a fun trip to see how Fred’s life develops in coming novels.”—The Eternal Night

  “An amusing and sexy new series with a decidedly underwater twist. Employing her patented brand of offbeat humor and lighthearted fun, she serves up a new heroine whose life is about to get extremely complicated.”—Romantic Times

  “You will spend many an hour just laughing

  through her books.”*

  Praise for

  the Undead novels of MaryJanice Davidson

  “Delightful, wicked fun!”—Christine Feehan

  “A lighthearted vampire pastiche that recalls the work of Charlaine Harris.”—Omaha World-Herald

  “Chick lit meets vampire action in this creative, sophisticated, sexy, and wonderfully witty book.”—Catherine Spangler

  “A laugh-a-minute book.”—*Romance Junkies

  “Davidson delivers more wildly witty, irreverent, and just plain funny adventures in her patently hilarious style.”

  —Romantic Times (4½ stars)

  “One of the funniest, most satisfying series to come along lately. If you’re [a] fan of Sookie Stackhouse and Anita Blake, don’t miss Betsy Taylor. She rocks.”—The Best Reviews

  “I don’t care what mood you are in, if you open this book you are practically guaranteed to laugh . . . top-notch humor and a fascinating perspective of the vampire world.”

  —ParaNormal Romance Reviews

  “[A] wickedly clever and amusing romp. Davidson’s witty dialogue, fast pacing, smart plotting, laugh-out-loud humor, and sexy relationships make this a joy to read.”—Booklist

  Titles by MaryJanice Davidson

  UNDEAD AND UNWED

  UNDEAD AND UNEMPLOYED

  UNDEAD AND UNAPPRECIATED

  UNDEAD AND UNRETURNABLE

  UNDEAD AND UNPOPULAR

  UNDEAD AND UNEASY

  UNDEAD AND UNWORTHY

  DERIK’S BANE

  SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES

  SWIMMING WITHOUT A NET

  FISH OUT OF WATER

  Anthologies

  CRAVINGS

  (with Laurell K. Hamilton, Rebecca York, Eileen Wilks)

  BITE

  (with Laurell K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, Angela Knight,

  Vickie Taylor)

  DEAD AND LOVING IT

  MYSTERIA

  (with P. C. Cast, Gena Showalter, Susan Grant)

  DEMON’S DELIGHT

  (with Emma Holly, Vickie Taylor, Catherine Spangler)

  DEAD OVER HEELS

  BERKLEY JAM titles by MaryJanice Davidson and Anthony Alongi

  JENNIFER SCALES AND THE ANCIENT FURNACE

  JENNIFER SCALES AND THE MESSENGER OF LIGHT

  THE SILVER MOON ELM: A JENNIFER SCALES NOVEL

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberw
ell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)

  Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand

  (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196,

  South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third party websites or their content.

  FISH OUT OF WATER

  A Jove Book / published by arrangement with the author

  PRINTING HISTORY

  Jove mass-market edition / December 2008

  Copyright © 2008 by MaryJanice Alongi.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form

  without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in

  violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  For information, address: The Berkley Publishing Group,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  eISBN : 978-1-440-64024-7

  JOVE®

  Jove Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

  a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.,

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

  JOVE® is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “J” design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  For William Alongi: father, grandfather, husband, brother, uncle, friend. Things aren’t as exciting without all the grumbling, big guy.

  And for Cindy Hwang, who, in the face of enormous personal tragedy, never once lost her kindness, humor, skill, empathy, or professionalism.

  As Andrew Vacchs, the finest writer of noir fiction in the twenty-first century and tireless champion of the helpless, once said (and I’m paraphrasing), “If love died with death, this world wouldn’t be so hard.”

  That’s just right, sir. That is 100 percent correct.

  Acknowledgments

  This is the last book of the Fred the mermaid trilogy; the other two are Sleeping with the Fishes and Swimming Without a Net. (There’s also a mermaid novella in my anthology Dead Over Heels, which takes place just before the events of this book.)

  Although Betsy the vampire queen made me semi-famous (infamous? delusionally famous?), I actually thought up Fred long before I ever wrote Undead and Unwed . So it’s a little strange to me that I’m putting paid to Fred while Betsy goes on and on and on.

  (“And on,” the critics added snidely, “and on, and on.”)

  Well, hell. She is a vampire. And that’s what they do, I s’pose. Fred, however, is mortal.

  Anyway, I wanted to thank Cindy Hwang, my editor, for going along with my idea for a grumpy mermaid, and for never asking, “What, exactly, is wrong with you?” At least, not out loud.

  My agent, Ethan Ellenberg, for making the deal happen.

  Leis Pederson, who catches many of my boneheaded mistakes and never gets the credit.

  My Yahoo! group, for their support.

  Charlaine Harris and her fan group, three of whom dressed as Fred, Dr. Bimm, and Jonas for the Romantic Times 2008 convention, forcing me to pretend my eyes were leaking because of allergies.

  And, always, my friends and family, for tirelessly listening to my near-constant bitching.

  MaryJanice Davidson

  www.maryjanicedavidson.net

  Author’s Note

  Although there is a Florida Aquarium, I have no idea if it’s open at the top or if it’s possible for people to fall into Shark Bay. It’s quite possible (more like probable) I took some liberties. Sorry, Florida Aquarium.

  Also, although there are many fine naval bases in Florida (in the country, actually), the Sanibel Station is 100 percent made up, as were the actions of the sailors stationed there. Got that? Fiction. Not true. Please don’t ask me why I hate America, okay?

  Also, salmon pink bridesmaid gowns do clash terribly with green hair.

  I love treason but hate a traitor.

  —JULIUS CAESAR

  It’s silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons.

  —HENRY MILLER

  A mermaid’s not a human thing

  An’ courtin’ sich is folly;

  Of flesh an’ blood I’d rather sing,

  What ain’t so melancholy.

  —E. J. BRADY, “Lost and Given Over”

  A reporter meets interesting people. If he endures, he will get to know princes and presidents, popes and paupers, prostitutes and panderers.

  —JIM BISHOP

  Time magazine: “Is it true that if you help a mermaid,

  you get one wish?”

  Fredrika Bimm: “Shut up.”

  Fuck the fathers. They should know better.

  —PAT CONROY, The Prince of Tides

  The Story So Far

  Fredrika Bimm is a hybrid—her father was a merman who got her hippie mother pregnant one night on the beach and then disappeared forever. Part of both worlds and feeling out of place pretty much everywhere, Fred’s dearest wish is to keep herself to herself and stay under everyone’s radar.

  Circumstances, however, make that impossible. In the last year and a half, she has helped Prince Artur of the Undersea Folk (what the mer-people call themselves) figure out who was dumping toxins into Boston Harbor, fallen for a fellow marine biologist (Dr. Thomas Pearson, who writes romance novels on the side), fought pirates (yes, pirates), attended a Pelagic (don’t ask), met the king of the Undersea Folk (who is obsessed with the HBO series Dead-wood ), walked in on her mother and stepfather having sex, walked in on her boss (Dr. Barb) and her best friend (Jonas) doing their impersonation of the Thing That Can’t Stop Kissing, visited the Cayman Islands, and watched as several of her father’s people showed themselves (tails and all) to the world.

  Also, she’s taken a leave of absence from her job at the New England Aquarium. So, she’s been busy.

  Now, six months after the first of the Undersea Folk were seen on CNN, the world is transfixed by the idea that mermaids are real . . . have always been real . . . and there could be one living right next door.

  Also, she has to house hunt in Florida. During tourist season.

  Oh, the humanity.

  Prologue

  He stared, transfixed. His people were showing themselves to the world! How could the royal family—the king—go along with this? It went against centuries of tradition and ingrained behavior.

  He instantly started figuring how he could turn the situation to his advantage.

  One

  “Excuse me, but are you a mermaid?”

  “Why?” Fred was poking through the large, airy kitchen and trying not to show how impressed she was with the ocean view. She knew the Realtor would pick up on it like a bloodhound to sweat. “Do I get a discount? ‘Show us your fin and we’ll show you ten percent off.’ Like that?”

  The Realtor colored, which, given that she had the creamy complexion natural to most redheads, gave the impression that she was about to have a stroke. Fred wondered how long it would take for the paramedics to show.

  “I didn’t mean anything by it.” She coughed. “It
’s just—your hair.”

  “I know, don’t tell me. I fired my stylist.” Fred fussed with the ends of her green hair, which were now chin-length as opposed to tumbling halfway down her back. Much easier to take care of, though her friend Jonas had shrieked like he’d been stabbed when he’d seen it. “And I’m still getting grief about it from my friend. My stupid, irritating friend.”

  “But it’s blue.”

  “Technically it’s green.” She opened a cupboard to see how deep it was. “You know how the ocean looks blue but it’s really green? Same with my—Does the garbage disposal work?”

  “Wha—Yes. And the house comes with all the appliances, as well as lawn maintenance. So are you?”

  “I dunno. It’s pretty expensive. And what do I need four bedrooms for? You know what that’ll mean for me? Drop-in guests. ‘Say, Fred, you’ve got plenty of room, we’re staying here for a month.’ Any idea how much I hate drop-ins? I hate them like a fat kid hates Slim-Fast. Besides, I live in a Boston apartment most of the year. Mowing a lawn would actually be a treat for me.”