Undead and Uneasy Read online

  "They do not! Not real people, anyway. And you're one to talk, you have to drink blood to keep walking around. You-and your kind-are abominations!"

  "At least our socks match!"

  "That's it!" She threw up her hands. "I'm leaving. I might have known you would spurn perfectly good advice. "

  "Spurn this," I said, and gave her the finger.

  She looked like she'd found a minnow in her cereal, which was probably close to the expression on my own face. She turned, and I grabbed her shoulder and shoved her across the kitchen. She bounced off the wall, hit the floor, but was back on her feet in half a second. Just in time for me to grab her by the throat and slam her against the wall.

  That's when I noticed the bright light just below my left eye. Her sword. She could call it up simply by force of will. It was made of Hellfire, and turned vampires into towers of flame, and then ash. Where it went when she wasn't using it, even she didn't know.

  "Let go," she grated.

  "Put it away," I snapped back.

  "Let go. "

  "Put it away. "

  The light from her sword-if my eyes could have watered, they would have. They would have been streaming by now. As it was, I couldn't see out of that eye at all.

  "You're not leaving until you tell me what you did. "

  "Put me down or I'll-"

  "What? Kill me? Like you killed Sinclair?"

  "I didn't kill him! I wouldn't do that to you!"

  "No, you just suggested I leave him forever. "

  "For your sake!"

  "No, for yours. It's hard to pretend to be Miss Goody Goody of the universe if your sister is the queen of the vampires, isn't it?"

  "You know what you're doing is wrong. "

  "Says the girl with a temper-powered sword. "

  "I don't mean to lose my temper. "

  "Did you lose your temper with Sinclair?"

  "No!"

  "How about Antonia and Garrett? You nearly beat Garrett to death once. Did he piss you off again? Did you dispatch him with your handy-dandy sword, get rid of Antonia, and then lie yourself black in the face?"

  "I don't lie!"

  Ah. There we go. Her eyes were shifting from blue to poison green. Her blond hair was growing red streaks. She was losing her temper. She wasn't Laura, daughter of a pastor. She was the Devil's Own, and she was in my kitchen with a weapon that could kill me.

  Excellent. "Fess up, Red. What'd you do?"

  "I did nothing. Let me go or I'll-"

  "Kill me?"

  "Let me go," she hissed. "Let me go or I'll kill you, and never mind if I'm sorry after. "

  "Are you really going to stick me with that thing? Kill your only sister? Orphan Babyjon. . . twice in one week?"

  "All that and more if you don't let me go now let me go let go of me right now, Vampire Queen, right now!"

  "What'd you do, Laura?"

  "Let go of me!" she screamed, and behind me, the window over the sink shattered.

  "Whoa. New trick. Nice one, devil's daughter. Any other new stuff you want to share with the class?"

  She was silent for a long moment, and I suddenly felt silly, hoisting my little sister by the neck a good foot off the ground, trying to avoid the sword pointing at my eye. Was this what happened when things went wrong all at once? You couldn't trust anybody?

  "I see what you're doing. It won't work. Put me down, please. "

  Her eyes were blue again, the red fading to blond. The sword disappeared in a flash. No, it didn't work. If she had done something, it likely would have come out when she was her other self, her darker self. When she was in a temper, she lost her mind. She wasn't sly, like her mother. Just red-rage pissed. Too pissed to lie.

  But now she was calm again. Careful again. Now she could lie.

  I put her down.

  "Really, Betsy," she fumed, straightening out her mussed shirt. "What would Jesus do?"

  "Turn you into loaves and fishes?"

  "I've had about enough of your blasphemy. " She started for the door, puffing her bangs out of her face as she stomped past me.

  "You're a lot more interesting when you're pissed!" I yelled after her.

  "Go to hell! And I mean that as a literal invitation. "

  "Where do you think I am right now?" I cried, but the slamming of the front door (damn, she must have really booked down that long foyer) was my only answer. Chapter 27

 

  I didn't want to do it. In fact, I could think of about a thousand things I'd rather do, including having a root canal without anesthesia.

  I resisted it as long as I could. Well, I resisted it for about ten minutes after I had the idea. But this could be considered "the beginning. "

  It was also right around the time Nick would have realized I was a vampire, and that we had stomped all over his brain with big black boots. But Nick wasn't the only one we'd vampire mojoed and regretted it, after.

  One phone call to Tina, who was in the middle of trying to cross the border into Switzerland, was all it took. This was a surprise. Not that she had the info. Frankly, I had no idea Switzerland was anywhere near France.

  "Isn't that, like, way farther north? Like by Greenland?"

  "My queen, how may I be of service?" Tina replied, sounding harassed.

  "I need Jon Delk's home address. "

  Long pause.

  "Tina? Stupid cell phones. . . "

  "My queen, what good would that information do you? As you have promised not to leave the house until I return. "

  "Every day is another pint of Sinclair's blood, Tina, assuming he's still alive at all. " I could actually feel her wince through the phone. "Delk's old job was killing vampires, and he hates Sinclair more than anyone I know. It's worth paying a visit to the family farm, don't you think?"

  Another pause, this one shorter. Then: "Bring Laura. "

  "Sure," I lied. Damn. I was getting good at lying through my fangs. I'd make it up to Tina once she got back.

  "And please call me the minute you find out anything," Tina was saying. "Or don't find out anything. It's an excellent idea, Majesty. I just wish I was there to run the errand for you. "

  "You've got your hands full already, sunshine. Now hit me with the address, please. "

  "I've text messaged it to your phone while we've been talking. "

  "Sneaky and efficient. That's my girl. "

  "Majesty, it's kind of you to pretend I'm actually being of assistance. "

  "Stop that," I ordered. "There's no point in beating yourself up. You had an important job to do, and you did it. Who could have predicted all this?"

  "Someone," she said, "my age with my IQ. "

  "Whoever did this took him out from under my nose. Did all this shit right in front of me, and I didn't even notice. Whatever's happened. . . well, it's on me, that's all. Not you. "

  "Kind," she replied, "but untrue. Take all care, Majesty. How I adore thee. "

  "What?"

  "N-nothing. "

  Awkward!

  As we hung up, I found myself wondering about the mysterious Tina. How had she turned into a vampire? Who had done it, and why, and where were they now? I had no answers here, only her unabashed devotion. In fact, the only person I knew less about was my recently vamoosed fiance.

  How was it that these two vampires, who seemed to care so much about me, had remained so mysterious about their pasts?

  Well, wondering wasn't getting me any closer to finding Sinclair. After some digging (I was always misplacing the damned thing), I found my cell in the bottom of an old Louis Vitton purse Jessica had bought me for my twenty-first birthday.

  I noted not only the address but precise directions (I knew Tina would make sure she could track down a Blade Warrior if necessary), and got ready to make the long drive to the Delk family farm. Chapter 28

 

  Jon Delk's parents lived in a St. Paul suburb, b
ut lately he was spending a lot of time at his grandparents' farm in Burlington, North Dakota. I made the fourteen-hour drive in nine hours, mostly because I didn't have to stop to pee or eat, and because I went ninety on the interstate almost the whole way. I was pulled over three times, all three times by single male state troopers. Didn't get a ticket once.

  It was the next evening-I'd had to get a motel room just before sunrise, but was on the move again by 5:00 p. m. the next afternoon.

  Long gone were the Minnesota cornfields I was used to; out here, close to the Canadian border, it was all wheat fields and sloughs. Got kind of monotonous after a while. At least cornfields were an interesting color.

  I pulled into the mile-long drive and shut off the engine (I'd picked Sinclair's banana yellow Ferrari for this drive. . . ninety felt like fifty), staring at the neat, large cream-colored farmhouse with not a little trepidation. I wasn't at all looking forward to what was coming next.

  For one thing, it was late-for farmers, anyway. Ten o'clock at night. For another, Delk and I had not exactly parted on good terms. Specifically, he found out we'd stomped around inside his head and was not at all pleased. He expressed this by shooting me. (It was astonishing how often this sort of thing happened. ) Then he'd stomped out, and we hadn't seen him since.

  Making him a pretty good suspect for all the weird goings-on.

  I stumbled up the gravel driveway, regretting my choice of footwear. I was wearing lavender kitten heels to go with my cream linen shorts and matching cardigan (sure, it was eighty degrees outside, but I felt cold almost constantly).

  I went up the well-lit porch steps, inhaling myriad typical farm odors on my way: manure, wheat, animals, rosebushes, the exhaust from Sinclair's car. There were about a zillion crickets in the back field-or at least, that's what it sounded like.

  I knocked on the porch door and was instantly distracted when a shirtless Delk answered.

  "Betsy?" he gaped.

  Farm Boy was built. Too young for me (not yet drinking age), blond, nice shoulders, fabbo six-pack. Tan, really tan. Blond hair almost white from being out in the sun all day. He smelled like soap and healthy young man. His hair was damp from a recent shower.

  "What are you doing here?"

  "Huh?"

  His blue eyes went flinty and he squinted past me, trying to see past the porch light into the dark driveway. "You didn't bring anyone with you, did you?"

  "I came by myself. "

  "Well, I'm not inviting you in. " He crossed his (muscular, tanned) arms across his (ripped, tanned) chest and glared.

  I opened the screen door and pushed my way past him, gently. "Old wives' tale," I said. "Got any iced tea?" Chapter 29

 

  "My grandparents are asleep upstairs," he said, keeping the crossbow pointed in my general direction, while I dropped six sugar cubes into my tea. "Twitch in their direction, and I won't take the arrow out. "

  "I tremble and obey. Got any lemon?"

  "Yes, and you can't have any. "

  "Crybaby. " I took a sip, then dropped in two more cubes. Delk knew that a stake (or wooden arrow) to the heart wouldn't kill me like it would any other vampire. . . but until he pulled it out, I'd do an excellent impersonation of a dead girl. "Don't worry, I grabbed a snack on the way. " From that pig of a Sleep E-Z Motel front desk guy who'd actually goosed me while I signed the register. I'd nearly bitten his fingers off. Settled instead for hauling him behind the registration desk and helping myself to a pint.

  Delk shifted in his chair, the arrow point never wavering. "What do you want?"

  "Oh, the usual. World peace, a pair of Christian Louboton heels, a perfect wedding. "

  He tried not to wince, and I pretended not to notice. "Still marrying King Psycho, huh?"

  That remains to be seen. Did you kill him, Delk?" Fraid so," I replied with a cheerfulness I sure didn't feel.

  "What do you want?"

  "Info. "

  "So take a community ed course. "

  "I don't want to learn how to throw clay, Delk. Some extremely weird things are going on in St. Paul. I was wondering if there was anything you wanted to tell me. "

  "Why don't you just mind fuck me and get it over with?" he sneered, but the tip of the crossbow shook.

  "Why don't you just answer me?" I deliberately looked away. I didn't want to take a chance on even accidentally mojoing him. The poor kid had been screwed over enough by me and mine. "People are getting hurt. Some of them are victims. My dad's dead. My stepmother's dead, and I'm Babyjon's new mommy. Vampires have gone missing, and people are acting weird. Jessica's trying not to barf out all her guts from chemo. "

  Delk's jaw dropped in what I hoped was unfeigned surprise. "Jesus Christ!"

  "Something's going on. And. . . well, I couldn't help wondering. "

  "You think I killed your parents?"

  "She wasn't my mother," I said automatically.

  "I didn't have anything against your dad and your stepmother. I never even met them. And you thought I-"

  "Well. You and I didn't exactly part on good terms. "

  He snorted and leaned back, and the crossbow dipped until it wasn't quite pointing at my chest anymore. "You mean when I found out that I'd written a book about you- your Goddamned biography!-and then Sinclair and Tina made me forget all about it, all to protect the precious vampire nation? Except for some reason this book, which I don't remember writing, ended up getting submitted to a publisher and is a fall title? A fall fiction title?"

  "Well, yeah," I admitted. "But anything sounds bad when you say it like that. "

  "I take it Sinclair is gone, too?"

  "Yeah. "

  "Well. I didn't do it. I doubt any of us did. The Blade Warriors disbanded. "

  I giggled, the way I always did when I heard the name of their kiddie club.

  "Knock it off. My point is, I haven't talked to any of them since Ani and Tina broke up. You know about that. "

  "I also know that we were kind of friends once, and then I let Sinclair and Tina do something I knew was wrong, and then we weren't anything. "

  "Do you blame me?" he asked quietly, setting the crossbow between the sugar bowl and the cream. You had to admire your North Dakota farms. . . good food, sturdy furniture, checkered tablecloths, crossbows.

  "No! Heck, no. I never blamed you. I'd have done the same thing. Possibly discharging a few firearms before I left town. "

  He smiled. "Yeah, I bet. But I've been here helping out with the farm since I last saw you. Grandpa has plenty of help for harvest, so I'll probably finish my senior year at the U this fall. I miss the Cities. "

  "I bet dorm living isn't your cup of crossbow, either. "

  He laughed and looked about sixteen instead of twenty. "After the shit I've seen? And done? I'd probably strangle my roommate before orientation was over. "

  "Well, we've got plenty of room at the mansion. You're welcome to crash there until you find a place of your own. "

  He just looked at me. Now it was my turn to shift uncomfortably. "Look," I continued, "I'm not saying it wouldn't be awkward or anything-"

  "Awkward?"

  "-but bottom line, we fucked you over, and that was wrong. And I let them do it because I've got responsibilities that I didn't have when I was alive. That doesn't make it right. We owe you one. A big one. You can live with us as long as you like. "

  "I'm sure Sinclair and Tina would love that. "

  "They owe you a big one, too. "

  He chuckled and helped himself to a swig of my tea. "Argh! There's less sugar in a Coke. You'd really let me stay with you. "

  "Sure. Hey, it'd be a pleasant change for me to invite a guest to move in. Usually they just. . . move in. "

  "How do you know I'm not lying? Maybe I got the drop on Sinclair and Tina and threw your dad down the stairs-I'm sorry about your folks, by the way. "

  "Thanks, but Tina's alive and well, and my
dad died in a car accident. "

  "Maybe I'm just a really really good actor. "

  "Well. That's why I didn't call. I wanted to talk to you in person. Watch your face. Your eyes. "

  He swallowed hard. "Oh. "

  "You're slick, Delk, but I'm the vampire queen. "

  He fiddled with the yellow tablecloth for a moment, trying not to stare at me. "I think that's the first time I've heard you refer to yourself that way. "

  "Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless. ''

  "Well," he said with the air of a person who had suddenly made up his mind, "I don't know about staying with you. But I'll come back with you and help. "

  Part of me leapt at the idea. And part of me wanted to cover my eyes and groan. I had figured this meeting would go one of three ways.

  One: Delk would throw things, aim weapons at my head, chase me away like I was a rabid coyote. Two: Delk would instantly let bygones be bygones and offer to come back and help (more on that in a minute). Three: some weird combination of one and two.

  Once again, I was madly tempted to take him up on his offer, and once again, I wasn't going to allow myself the luxury. For one thing, I had no idea what was going on or how dangerous things could get. Delk, although adept at killing vampires with the Blade Warriors backing him up, was still little more than a kid. For another, it was no secret to me that Delk had a bit of a crush. Leading him on wasn't an option.

  Finally, I didn't drive all the way out here to drag him into my troubles. After what we'd done to him, he didn't owe us a thing.

  "After what we did to you, you don't owe us a thing. "

  "I wasn't thinking 'we' and 'us. ' I just want to help you out. "

  "Touching, yet mildly creepy. Nothing's changed, Delk. Once I track Sinclair down, I'm still marrying his sorry ass. "

  "And the rest of him as well, presumably. Look, Betsy, I-I've missed you. And I consider us even. "

  "Oh. Even as in, 'Hey, you mind fucked me, but then I shot you in the chest, so let's start fresh' even?"

  "Anything sounds bad," he teased, "when you put it that way. "

  "You're sweet," I said, and I meant it. Once upon a time, I'd thought Delk's crush was cute. Now it just made me tired. I made a mental note: once I'd fixed the current disaster, however it shook out, I was going to fix Delk up with someone nice.

  Laura?

  No, no.

  Hmmm.