Me, Myself and Why? Read online

  Jeremy bit his lip. Tracy leaned forward and stared at my sleeves. Opus looked everywhere in the room but at people.

  I thought about these three—about Jeremy and Tracy in witness rooms, and Opus cleaning floors. I thought about the crime scenes they had left behind, and the bodies propped up and arranged carefully for me to notice clues. I thought about what they wanted from me personally, and how different that was from what Patrick wanted. I thought about the fact that they were in a rush . . . and that for all the masterful planning they (really, Tracy) had done and all the patient work they (really, Opus) had done to get this offer in front of me on their (really, Jeremy’s) terms, they couldn’t see the fatal flaw in their plan:

  Murderers make for really superbad housemates and coworkers.

  Also . . . sleep with these guys? Ish.

  My traitorous mouth dropped open and I said, “Sleep with all of you?”

  “Nuh-no!”

  Oh. Because that would be really crazy.

  “I—I just want a best friend. Like you have. They’re the ones . . .” Tracy jerked a thumb at her brothers. “Well, you know.”

  Ah. Okay, slightly less nauseating. Trouble was, I already had

  a best girlfriend. I had caught my limit.

  I stood and clapped my hands once. “Hey, guys, I know I should probably try to play along and give you false hope long enough for my fellow agents to show up and rescue me, but I don’t do dishonest very well. So let me say: this is the most fucked-up idea I’ve ever heard!”

  Wow, it felt good to swear.

  When Jeremy rose and slugged me, it felt not nearly so good. But I was smiling, because I knew who was

  Chapter Ninety

  Coming to a fistfight near you!

  Saturday

  Saturday!

  SATURDAY!

  She takes a punch!

  She doesn’t

  (ever)

  go down!

  Ladies and

  Fuck the gentlemen

  Let me introduce to you our contestants this evening.

  In this corner

  And that one

  And the other one

  We have our challengers

  Some truly fucked-up

  (geese)

  motherfuckers who can’t stop killing

  and apparently can only count

  To three.

  (Boooooooooo!)

  (Hisssssssss!)

  AAAAAAAAND in this corner—

  The reeeeeeeeigning champion!

  (Raaaahhhh!)

  (Yeeeeaaaa!)

  The Super-Fed with the Triple Head!

  The Lone Detective with All Perspective!

  The Power Saw Who Plays the Law

  AND SMACKS Y-Y-YOUR

  LOWER J J-JAW

  F F-FREAK

  (Sleep tight.)

  AAAAAAAAAAADRIEEEEEEEEEEENE

  (Yo Adri-enne!)

  JOOOOOONES

  That woman looks scared over there.

  She must be

  (a goose?)

  (my daughter?)

  (the guy under the lawn mower?)

  MY NEXT VICTIM

  Come here lady don’t run away, don’t run away from the lawn mower, there’s no point, it will catch you and slice you like a goose

  You’ll be cooked

  Oh stop running away this is pathetic

  This is boring

  WOW that hurt

  What was that guy behind me swinging?

  Some

  Kind

  Of

  Lawn mower?

  Nope. Just his fists.

  Okay. Let’s stick with this one. Let the woman go

  POWWWWWWWWWW that hurt

  This guy is a house.

  WHAM POW TAKE THAT KABLAM AND THAT SNAP-DAP RAPPADAP FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY STING LIKE A

  Why won’t he GO DOWN

  POWWWWWWWWW that hurt too.

  Getting nowhere.

  Getting

  (scared?)

  bored.

  Sister, come take care of this one.

  Chapter Ninety-one

  I cannot say I was completely thrilled when Adrienne turned things over to me. Granted, she had knocked Jeremy unconscious and chased Tracy out of the room altogether. But this still left Opus, who was very large, very strong . . .

  . . . and not even dented by what Adrienne had thrown at him.

  I ducked in time to miss the latest blow. What would probably “bore” Adrienne would no doubt knock me out. I was not going to win a slugging match with this man. No, the best I could hope for was . . .

  “Pam, get me out of these fucking cuffs!”

  George was awake again, flopping like an outraged trout.

  “Damn it, Pam, why’d they let you go and not me! It’s not fair! Get a cuff key from Shiro here and let me out. No, Pam—don’t leave me in here with them! I can’t defend—Pam! FUCKING PAJAMA-WEARING SLUT!”

  I was glad to see Pam escape from the room. She would be bright enough to call for help.

  So we would play the waiting game.

  And the best one to get Opus to wait was

  Chapter Ninety-two

  “Cadence?”

  I looked at Opus, this bear of a man with his fist still held up in the air, who recognized me the moment I showed up. I didn’t have to say or do anything: he knew me. He could count the pieces of me and add them together faster than he could a carton of nails. It broke my heart.

  “Oh, Opus . . .”

  He lowered his fist. “You’re not going to help us.”

  “I’m sorry, Opus.”

  “No. You aren’t.”

  “I am, though. It’s too bad we three can’t live happily ever after with you three. I guess the complete arrogance of assuming I’d leap at the chance to get two lovers and a new best friend isn’t a big deal, huh?”

  Opus said nothing.

  “I’m not the one who can help you, anyway. It’s going to have to be someone else.”

  “There is no one else. No one else to help. We asked for help we ASKED for help but that’s when they said no. They said no, Cadence. They said no and the killing started. That started the killing and I’m TIRED of the killing, Cadence. There’s no one to stop it. Stop it, Cadence, stop it!”

  How about if you stop shouting, Opus, how about that?

  He put his huge, meaty hands over his ears, dropped to his knees, and began to scream.

  I did the only thing I knew how to do. I rushed to him and held him.

  (Hey, if my sisters had wanted a more decisive solution, they should have stuck around.)

  We stayed like that for some time—I don’t know how long, really—until I heard my boss’s voice behind me.

  “Cadence. Step away from him.”

  I turned my head and saw Michaela, backed up by every agent and security guard we had—something like two dozen altogether.

  I looked around the room. Jeremy was gone. George was still cuffed, but had rolled under the table and stopped speaking. His face was turned away from everyone. He was humiliated and quiet. Nothing had gone right for him here. I almost felt bad for him.

  Not as bad as I felt for Opus, though.

  “He’s surrendering peacefully,” I reminded Michaela. I felt this might be necessary, as she was brandishing a butcher’s knife.

  Opus whimpered and hung his head. His beefy arms flopped uselessly at his sides. Even if he could take on the entirety of BOFFO—and I didn’t doubt he could give us a run for our money—there was no fight left in him.

  “Opus. Pam tells me you hurt her.”

  “Brother told me. Brother told me to cuff everyone. Everyone in cuffs. Pam in cuffs. George in cuffs. Brother told me.”

  “Where is Jeremy?” I asked.

  Michaela kept her focus on Opus. “Your brother is gone, Opus. He has apparently fled the scene. So has your sister. Do you understand, Opus? They’ve left you behind. They’ve left you. They made you hurt Pam and they left you.�
�

  “They wouldn’t leave me! Sister has a plan. Sister always has a plan. She says it’ll be okay. We’ll be with Agent Jones soon. She’ll be with Shiro. Brother’ll be with Adrienne. I’ll be with Cadence. Sister has a plan. It’ll be okay. Cadence is here. Tell her, Cadence.”

  “I’m here, Opus.” I didn’t see the point of breaking his heart further.

  Apparently, Michaela was not on the same tender page I was on. “Cadence has nothing more to say to you, Opus. You hurt her friend Pam. Do you know where Pam is right now, Opus? Can you guess?”

  He kept staring at the floor. “Pam in the nice clean pajamas. Likes the floor to be superclean. Sleeps on the superclean floor. Clean floor means a clean sleeping bag. Clean sleeping bag means clean pajamas. Clean pajamas means clean Pam. Clean Pam means safe Pam. Pam stays in the office. Things are clean. Floor is clean.”

  “Yes, well, right now Pam is huddled on the very clean floor immediately under her desk, and she will not come out for anyone. Not even me. She keeps whispering into her cell phone. She called me, you see, and got me here. But now that I’m here, she still doesn’t feel safe. She’s still whispering into that phone. It’s the only thing she’ll talk to. Even if I get under the desk with her, she won’t acknowledge me.”

  Michaela stepped forward, and I realized I had to get out of the way. NOW.

  Before Opus could react, she had the knife in his groin. He screamed for half a second, and then the blade had cut his throat.

  He slumped to the floor, thudding like a gorilla carcass.

  Michaela walked away. The agents dispersed. Someone came in and dragged George away. I stayed at Opus’s side and wept as his blood seeped into the cheap gray

  Chapter Ninety-three

  Carpet was getting wet. I did not intend to stay long.

  “Opus,” I said, slapping him on the cheek. His eyes were still open, and his pupils rolled slightly to take me in. He had no more than five or six seconds left.

  “Cadence forgives you,” I told him. “But I do not. And I will hunt down your sister, and your brother. Because they are murderers. Just like you.”

  He tried to say something, but he died instead.

  Epilogue: The First

  So Opus died, and the others fled. I guess what surprised me most, though, was that I didn’t hate them. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to catch them—and would, darn it. Oh yes, you betcha.

  But as frightening as they were, they were pitiable as well. At least I was coming to understand the causes and complications of my multiple personality disorder, and even that had taken over two decades for me to even begin to face.

  The triplets had never had a chance.

  Patrick is indeed hanging around, putting truth to Cathie’s fears. He’s still house hunting and we’re having dinner tomorrow. At least, I think we are. I intend to keep my clothes on this time; but who knows?

  Shiro or Adrienne might crash that party, and for the first time in my life, the thought doesn’t fill me with horrified embarrassment. They’re just as much a part of me as my hair and eye color. They look after me like my mother tried to—and I’m not going to disrespect that, or them.

  But I swear. I swear on—on—on whatever. If Shiro sticks one more cigarette into my mouth . . .

  Well. I guess some threats are best left vague.

  Epilogue: The Second

  Some threats are best left vague? That sounds like a complete lack of imagination to me—not to mention a lack of commitment.

  And as a matter of fact, Patrick has asked me out for breakfast tomorrow. Cadence might pretend not to mind if I crash her party—but I will certainly mind if she crashes mine.

  I am dismayed about Opus. Cadence has it right when she figures the triplets had never had a chance. And she is right when she realizes that we had. Those who ignore history are condemned to repeat it—and as far as I am concerned, my sisters and I do not plan to repeat anything.

  Do yourselves a favor, Tracy and Jeremy.

  Stay lost.

  Epilogue: The Third

  First comes the Opus

  And then comes the

  First comes the Tracy

  And then comes the

  Stutter, then comes the stuttering screams,

  all stuttering screams

  (he misses his Opus)

  then comes the screams, and

  The wheels on the bus go round and round,

  Round and round,

  Patrick’s so brave.

  I just want to see,

  I just want to look at him

  (and save him he is so silly he

  thinks I I I need saving! Ha! Ha-ha!

  Silly Pillsbury Doughboy!)

  And I just want to hurt

  Make them bleed

  Tracy and Jeremy hurt

  They hurt everyone

  Their love is poison and we are the flowers

  They try to kill

  Kill with their love

  The garden is not safe was never ever safe the

  flowers are dying and here come the geese.

  Allll daaaaay lonnnnng.

  They had better they had better they

  They should they should

  Stay away.

  and disappear,

  Disappear

  Disappear

  Good-bye, Opus! You shouldn’t have

  Shouldn’t have

  You should have left Cadence alone.

  You should have left us alone.

  How do you like being alone? Are you cold in the earth, Opus? Is it wet down there, and damp, and muddy?

  Yes yes!

  It is.

  Warned you.

  Won’t warn you again. Do you want company down there in the dark, Opus? Do you do you

  Do you?

  Make them keep away. Make them. Make them.

  Or I will

  I will

  IIIIIIIII will.

  And you won’t be lonesome

  And you won’t be cold

  But you’ll be dead like Mommy dead like Daddy

  Dead dead dead

  Round and round.

  All day long.

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Author’s Note

  Prologue

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Chapter Twenty-three

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Chapter Thirty-four

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-one

  Chapter Forty-two

  Chapter Forty-three

  Chapter Forty-four

  Chapter Forty-five

  Chapter Forty-six

  Chapter Forty-seven

  Chapter Forty-eight

  Chapter Forty-nine

  Chapter Fifty

  Chapter Fifty-one

  Chapter Fifty-two

  Chapter Fifty-three
/>   Chapter Fifty-four

  Chapter Fifty-five

  Chapter Fifty-six

  Chapter Fifty-seven

  Chapter Fifty-eight

  Chapter Fifty-nine

  Chapter Sixty

  Chapter Sixty-one

  Chapter Sixty-two

  Chapter Sixty-three

  Chapter Sixty-four

  Chapter Sixty-five

  Chapter Sixty-six

  Chapter Sixty-seven

  Chapter Sixty-eight

  Chapter Sixty-nine

  Chapter Seventy

  Chapter Seventy-one

  Chapter Seventy-two

  Chapter Seventy-three

  Chapter Seventy-four

  Chapter Seventy-five

  Chapter Seventy-six

  Chapter Seventy-seven

  Chapter Seventy-eight

  Chapter Seventy-nine

  Chapter Eighty

  Chapter Eighty-one

  Chapter Eighty-two

  Chapter Eighty-three

  Chapter Eighty-four

  Chapter Eighty-five

  Chapter Eighty-six

  Chapter Eighty-seven

  Chapter Eighty-eight

  Chapter Eighty-nine

  Chapter Ninety

  Chapter Ninety-one

  Chapter Ninety-two

  Chapter Ninety-three

  Epilogue: The First

  Epilogue: The Second

  Epilogue: The Third