Yours, Mine, and Ours Read online

  So thank you, all of you. Now I’m off to try something many of you think will get me deported. But I think you’re wrong. But if I’m wrong, hey … another book idea!

  —MaryJanice Davidson writing from “Carlton Cruise Line: The Ten Worst Jails in the World,” Winter 2010

  author’s note

  When MMY? came out I held my breath; many entities (Publishers Weekly) and people (Mom) were wondering if the concept and writing style I’d put into an all-new series with an all-new publisher was the greatest idea I’d ever had … or the most deeply insane. Thus the question: Would readers find it brilliant, or bad? Brilliant as in “Hey, a secretary turned vampire queen, that’s different,” or “John, Polly, let’s go to the Biograph Theater, I’m soooo bored” bad?

  I was lucky; most who read MMY? found it different from anything else they’d ever read, but also good. (That’s the trick, because different and bad is easy.) That was pretty great to hear.

  Pretty great, but no big gusty sigh/gasp/wheeze of relief. No, that came with messages from nurses, doctors, therapists … basically, various members of the mental health community got in touch to tell me a) they liked the book a lot and b) hey, you got it right, not bad for an idiot!

  That was critical for me (I’ve never hidden being an idiot); that was the path to the next book in the series, the tome you’re holding/shoplifting/scanning/downloading right now.

  Cue swoon of relief, then long nap of relief, then big turkey dinner of relief, then second nap of relief.

  The path to Yours, Mine, and Ours was through mental health professionals who agreed that I hadn’t utterly destroyed the public’s perception of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). Though many of them told me MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) is now referred to as DID (Dissociative—right, you remember), so I might want to go back and change that.

  To which I said, nuh-uh, you’re not the boss of me, mental health professionals, and they were all, you need a boss with an attitude like that paired with your crippling immaturity and we should know we’re professionals, and I was all, “back off, stupid mental health professionals, no one hit your buzzer,” and they were all, “someone should hit your buzzer, you skeevy gargoyle,” and I was all, “ohhhh nice, mental health pros, you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

  Anyway. They said I didn’t suck. They said I got MPD/DID/Sybil-ism right. Not bad for someone with no college degree, never mind a nonexistent background in mental health (from the therapist’s side, anyway).

  So hopefully I brought the same “hey, that didn’t completely suck” can-do attitude to this book. And if you disagree, well, I know you are but what am I?

  A question for the ages, truly.

  (yet another) author’s note

  I’ve taken some liberties with the holding cells used by the St. Paul Police Department. So for those of you who have been arrested in St. Paul and noticed my processing and holding cell details are slightly off, sorry about that. Although, for someone who knows what a holding cell looks like from the inside, you’re pretty quick to judge, don’t you think?

  Also, the Land O’Lakes Kennel Club Dog Show does take place in St. Paul, Minnesota, but usually in January, not December. For my own ruthless intent, I willfully changed the dates. Suck it, dog lovers!

  I also lived in a trailer park for many years, so Cadence’s description of Heron Estates is totally accurate. Unlike people who have never lived in a trailer park, I am allowed to mock trailer park clichés.

  The list of unusual deaths was courtesy of Wikipedia and, obviously, isn’t complete. But imagine if it was!

  Worst of all: the characters in this book make reference to several serial killers. Understandably—the FBI is in the other side of the serial killer biz, and by necessity need to know all about them, past and present. But research for that part of the book was easy. Really easy. And I’m sorry to have to say that’s so.

  It’s pretty lame when the world will talk about a murder victim practically down to her ponytail holder, yet lock a teenager in federal prison for stealing stamps.

  ALSO BY MARYJANICE DAVIDSON

  Me, Myself, and Why?

  MaryJanice Davidson has been credited with starting paranormal chick lit. She is the author of the Undead series and Me, Myself and Why? Her books have been listed on the New York Times and USA Today bestseller lists, and she lists her goals as “Working for world peace, figuring out how to make potstickers, and speaking at writer and reader conferences around the world.” She lives in Minnesota.

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  YOURS, MINE, AND OURS. Copyright © 2012 by MaryJanice Davidson. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

  www.stmartins.com

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

  Davidson, MaryJanice.

  Yours, mine, and ours / MaryJanice Davidson. — 1st ed.

  p. cm.

  ISBN 978-0-312-53118-8 (hardcover)

  ISBN 978-1-4299-8808-7 (e-book)

  1. United States. Federal Bureau of Investigation—Officials and employees—Fiction. 2. Serial murder investigation—Fiction. 3. Christmas stories. I. Title.

  PS3604.A949Y68 2012

  813'.6—dc23

  2011041099

  e-ISBN 9781429988087

  First Edition: March 2012